#2: Doubt

r i p t i d e

Doubt... doubt, doubt, doubt. 

The past few days I've had doubt. Un-expected, yes, but doubt, still here for its periodic visit. I suppose I should start from the beginning-though doubt has been rearing itself forever, a recounting of a more recent occurrence might help make my point. 

About a year ago, I woke up one Tuesday morning to an immediate feeling of the presence of the enemy. Things like that weren't unusual for me, though it didn't happen all the time, but I was used to fighting spiritual wars. So  started rebuking him and when it came to saying "In Jesus' name", doubt consumed me. This doubt was probably the strongest doubt that I had ever experienced before. I mean doubt. Like "There is no proof that God is real., (which there is), and "How do I know He's real?", "How do I know Jesus is real?". So I sat up and looked out my window, and for the next half-hour or so I reasoned with myself. I convinced myself that God was real and the Jesus really did die for my sins on this earth. 

The week that followed was probably the worst week of my life. I was butting heads with the enemy and doing more self-convincing than I had probably ever done before. That Saturday night I was at a friends graduation party where I got to catch up with some old friends and hang out with some new ones, and I can just say, there is not much I enjoyed about that party. Don't get me wrong, the party would have been fun any other time, but I couldn't enjoy myself because the attacks from the enemy were so persistent that I had to keep excusing myself to walk down the street so I could talk to myself and rebuke the enemy.

That night, I got home and finally told my mom what had been going on. Five days of fighting by myself and I'd had enough. I was worn out. So I explained what happened and we hung out in my room and talked for a while about doubt and my faith. After we talked, she prayed with me and claimed me as a child of God and rebuked the enemy. 

From that night on, life was getting better and better-slowly, but better, still. My faith was growing and doubt was fading. But, I did feel like I had to re-learn everything I knew before, basic Christian principles that I was surprised to have to "re-learn".  So I asked God why all of this happened and I felt it was because I had to know what I believed, and believe it and learn it and live it for myself, not because it's what I've always believed/known/done. 

Christian, let me ask you this:

What do you believe? Why? 

I don't want a canned "Because it's how I was raised" answer. "Because it's how I was raised" isn't an answer that keeps us grounded in our faith. We need to know what we believe and why we believe it. It takes faith. We don't have all the answers, and we don;t need them. That's where God comes in. We need to be okay with not seeing all the evidence. In Romans I like what Paul has to say about hope, and we can say the same about faith:

"For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it." - Romans 8:24-25

Here's the thing: We should know what we know we know, and have faith for the rest of what God tell us, and sometimes, it takes faith to believe what we know we know. Just let God work on you, and like the father of the demon possessed boy, ask Jesus to "help your unbelief." (Mark 9:24)

peace.

Hold on for the ride...